"i am not yours"

God is bad, God is late

Choke

we’re this, which is what?

(besides borrowed shorts and greasy hair)

I spent the night tapping on the teeth of her car

she doesn’t care if I tell her

but I choked on the tar at the beach

and smothered my face in her pillows

the hairs on the back of my neck

are tangled in the spokes of her bike

I’ve been talking about nothing and

waiting for her to understand

this is how I love her

I wish I could kiss you forever but my heart hurts when you hold it too long

Miss Interpreting

I fell so hard it shattered the fragile future I’d planned alone so I started over with her name next to mine in every title. she holds my hand and leads me around the shards and I’m trying to tell her that she can’t leave because I’ll be stranded in a sea of broken pieces that I’ll spend the rest of my life putting back together, but each time I try I trip on my words and she sedates me with forever

12/26/14

It’s a Friday and you’re three thousand miles farther than you were yesterday and I can’t stop feeling everything and I can find you on a map but I can’t find you in my bed, even though you’re all over me: your perfume’s in my sheets, your fingerprints are burned into my skin. I can’t sleep when you don’t text me back and I cry when you don’t call but I’ll never tell you because everyone needs and deserves you more than I do, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel like the sun turned its face away. I’m scared my mom can hear my sobs and I’m scared the sun will set forever and I’m scared of you being anywhere but in my arms. I’d kill myself chasing after you even if all I got were the last dying rays of a sunset on my face. I miss you when you’re with me and it hurts harder every day. I’m a blade of grass suffering from too little light but I’ll die before I tell you how badly I need you. I’m a stupid blade of grass who fell in love with the sun; no matter how high I reach you’ll always be too far away.

I’m half-formed
And you’re well-worn
I think I’m pretty
But only when you look at me
like that

Her tears hurt like punches to the stomach and I think I’ll make myself sick if I’m ever the cause

Passion in Cipher

And if love is time spent in the state of life suspended, revolving on the tip of the last word you said, then a broken heart is just broken plans, shattered promises that cut your feet as you struggle through the next few months and God forbid you said you loved her because you’ll be picking shards of her out of the bottoms of your feet for years

The Sapphic Condition

She asks you out
by making out
with you (significant)
while black out drunk
she holds your sweaty hand (significant) in the grocery store
and you wonder if I love you has ever been dictated with more clarity
convictions of her heterosexuality are hidden in the deepest crevices of your mind;
a hug (significant) means more than three years
but remembering they’d rather have a dick in their mouth than your heart in their hands is
A crushing blow

Trickle

Loving you takes
Emotions
Turned over and over in my head until browned evenly on both sides and the time it takes to fry my brain is negligible with a catalyst that fits as well as you do in my arms when we spoon full of
Honey
I love you
But you’re sticking my hours together until days squeeze into seconds and thoughts drizzle down the drain and
Beautiful
I spent
Eighteen years learning to spell that word just so I could write it to you every night

Caramel

I shattered like glass
she used
agave nectar, but thicker—
lips stuck on necks,
hands stuck in thighs,
words stuck in throats;
she used
a hot glue gun while drunk
to fix half-healed heart cracks;
it burned sweet
she used
the word smart when she
felt how sharp my edges were
our blood mingles as we
cut the same paths over and over